A Visit to the Shrink
by The Great NeoDragon
Summary: Kane, Undertaker, Rock, Tazz and Triple H go to the shrink.


****

A Visit to the Shrink

"The WWF is full of psychos!" Shane McMahon, a young but handsome future owner of the very company he was insulting. 

"What the heck do you want me to do?" A young woman cried exasperated.

"You're a psychiatrist, aren't you?" Shane snapped.

"I'm fresh out of college! I haven't even had my first case yet!"

"Well, here's your first case. I'll have them fill out applications and send them to you. You'll start tomorrow." Shane explained.

"Alright...so -who- exactly are going to pay me a visit?"

"The Rock, Triple H, Undertaker, Kane and Tazz," Shane answered.

****

Applications

The Rock

Name: The Rock, The Great One, The People's Champion

Real Name: Rocky

Age: It doesn't matter what my age is!

Favorite Color: It doesn't matter what my favorite color is!

Favorite Food: Putang Pie

Greatest Accomplishment: Laying the Smacketh Down on all your Candy Asses!

Triple H

Name: Triple H, The Game

Real Name: Hunter Herse Helmsley

Age: A woman never tells her age!

Favorite Color: Gold

Favorite Food: Stephanie

Greatest Accomplishment: I have a billion reasons why marrying Stephanie is my greatest accomplishment.

Undertaker

Name: The Undertaker, The Phenom, The Lord of Darkness, The American Bad Ass

Real Name: The Undertaker

Age: I am immortal

Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Food: Tobacco

Greatest Accomplishment: Raising spirits for my Ministry of Darkness

Kane

Name: CANE

Real Name: CANE

Age: DONT NO. YUNGER THEN BIG BROTER

Favorite Color: RED AND BLAK

Favorite Food: COOKEE

Greatest Accomplishment: TYING MI SHULASES

Tazz

Name: Tazz

Real Name: Tazz

Age: Are you trying to say I'm old and crusty?! Are you mocking me, punk?! I was raised in the Bronx! I'm big, mean, constipated and I'll kick your ass!

Favorite Color: Are you trying to tell me that my favorite color (which is pink, by the way) is a sissy color? Don't piss me off! I've got hemorrhoids and I'm ready to kick some ass!

Favorite Food: Are you trying to say I'm fat? You better watch it, punk! I've got PMS and I'll kick some ass!

Greatest Accomplishment: Are you trying to say I'm a loser? You're starting to piss me off! I've got Herpes and I'm ready to kick your ass!

"They're a bunch of winners.." The psychiatrist said with a sigh as she sifted through the applications.

"Are you ready?" Shane asked. He was standing by the office door. The psychiatrist leaned back in her chair and massaged her temple.

"As ready as I'll ever be.." she replied.

"Great! I'll bring them in one by one for their interviews," Shane said as he walked out the door.

****

Interviews

The Rock

"So, Rock.." the psychiatrist began as she picked up a pen and a sheet of paper.

"Please, no formalities. Just call me 'the Great One'," Rocky said.

"Yes, um, Great One. Please, have a seat on the couch.."

The People's Champion walked over to the couch. "Ah, tryin' to make this like they are in the movies." Rocky laid down on the couch before looking over at the psychiatrist. "What's your name?"

"My name is Amy--"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Rocky cried as he sat up. The psychiatrist drummed her fingernails on the armrest impatiently.

"Rocky, please.." the psychiatrist began, but The Rock cut her off.

"You asked me what my favorite color is, now I ask yours. What is your favorite color?" Rocky asked curiously.

"My favorite color is-"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS!!" Rocky shouted. He then paused for a moment. "Do you like...pie?"

"Let me guess, it doesn't matter if I like pie?" the psychiatrist said through clenched teeth.

"No, I'm not going to say that. I really want to know. Do you like pie?" The WWF Champion said sincerely.

"Yes, I do like pie," the psychiatrist said as she rubbed her forehead.

"What's your favorite pie?"

"Apple"

"Have you ever had...Putang pie?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's very good, especially if you add salt.."

"...That's nice...weirdo.." the psychiatrist said the last word under her breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing.."

"Did you call me a weirdo, Jabroni?"

"No.."

"Eat Rock Bottom, punk!" The People's Champion roared as he jumped over the desk. Security Guards ran in and dragged Rocky out.

Triple H

"So, um, Mr. Helmsley," the psychiatrist began. Hunter was sitting on the couch. "Shane says you have a slight problem with your temper."

"Shane says I have a slight problem with my temper, eh?" the former World Wrestling Federation Champion said softly. Suddenly he stood. "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY TEMPER!" Triple H yelled as he started throwing things around. "CAN'T THAT PANSY ASS KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD TEMPER AND IMPOTENCE?!"

"Wha?" The psychiatrist said from her hiding place under her desk. "You're impotent?"

"Not even Viagra will work," Hunter sniffled. "It must be the steroids I've been taking. I thought the B cup breasts were just a temporary side effect. Now when I take off my shirt, even Kane shakes his head with pity, and Stephanie won't touch me!"

"Um...perhaps you should stop taking steroids?" The psychiatrist suggested.

Hunter turned and stared at her for a moment. "Hey, that's not a bad idea! Thanks, doc!" He ran over to her desk and shook her hand before opening the door and running out.

Undertaker

"Mr. Undertaker..." the psychiatrist began uncomfortably, and rightfully so. The 6'10 man was standing before her, wearing a leather vest and jeans. He was chewing tobacco. His motorcycle was sitting in the doorway where the door used to be; he had driven through it. "Is it true that you are a dead man?"

"I'm an ass-kicking, tobacca-chewin', American Dead man," Taker said as he spat out some tobacco juices.

"Tobacco causes cancer, you know?" the psychiatrist warned.

"Fuck you," Taker said calmly.

"No, that's quite alright," she responded. The American Jackass raised his eyebrows. "Anyway, what makes you think you're a dead man?"

The American Jack off thought for a moment, "Cuz I'm dead"

"That's helpful.." she said. The psychiatrist looked over the American Fat Ass for a moment. "Taker, put two fingers on your throat, like this," she demonstrated. Undertaker obeyed. "What do you feel?"

"A pulse," He answered.

"You know what that means?" She asked. He shook his head. "It means you're not dead!"

"Really? So I'm alive?" She nodded. "I'm alive!" Undertaker cheered as he jumped on his motorcycle and drove out, yelling, "I'M ALIVE! I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!" and receiving very strange looks from Shane, Kane and Tazz.

Kane

"You must be Kane," the psychiatrist said, unnerved as she saw a 7ft red monster walk 'through' her new door. Security guards were inserting a new door as she spoke. Right behind Kane stood a short, fat man, "and who might you be?"

"I am Kane's father, Paul Bearer. I just came to tell you to be careful not to hurt my baby's feelings. He's very sensitive and he kills people when he's upset," the fat ass said before walking out.

"That's a comforting thought.." the psychiatrist muttered as she looked Kane over, finding it difficult to imagine him as anyone's 'baby', "Well, let's get started." He nodded. "Why do you like to hurt people?"

"BROTHER BURNED ME!"

"Who are you closest to?"

"MY DADDY! GUESS WHAT!"

"What?"

"STONE COLD TAUGHT ME A NEW WORD!"

"What word?"

"FUCK YOU!"

"That's not nice..."

"GUESS WHAT!"

"What...?"

"SUCK IT!"

"Would that be also another new word you learned? And no, not tonight.."

"YOU COULDN'T ANYWAY!"

"What?" The psychiatrist asked as she took a sip of water.

"I DON'T GOT NONE!"

"Excuse me?"

"I DON'T GOT NONE! IT WAS BURNED OFF! WANNA SEE?"

"N-No, that's quite alright!" The psychiatrist said quickly. She raised one brow. "One question, though. ...How does you survive?" He tilted his head at this. "I mean, how do you survive without a penis? How does your girlfriend survive?"

"I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"

"It's probably a good thing that you don't..." the psychiatrist said softly. "In fact, I'm sorry Kane, but I would suggest that you become a monk.."

Paul Bearer was standing outside the door with Shane McMahon. The two jumped back in surprise when the psychiatrist came flying -through- the door, and landed on an office table, scattering various papers. The not-so festively plump little man and the chauvinist pig ran over to the bruised and bewildered psychiatrist.

"Was it something I said?" the psychiatrist asked woozily before unconsciousness overtook her.

Tazz

"So, um, Mr. Tazz," she began as she watched him run in and proceed to steal everything in her office. "How are you doing today?" He picked up a desk and walked out with it, then came back for a filing cabinet. "Are you having fun?" Tazz left with the filing cabinet, then finally came back and pulled the newly replaced door off its hinges. He looked over at the psychiatrist and grinned smugly.

"You just anotha' victim!" the street thug said before erupting into laughter and walking out with the door...

The future corporate owner, Shane McMahon was sitting at his desk when a letter arrived. The messenger said it was from the psychiatrist! He swiftly ripped open the envelope and read the well-written letter inside. It said,

Dear Mr. McMahon,

I am sorry to say that after their thorough examinations, I have concluded that they cannot be helped. They are a bunch of raving psychotics. I am sorry that I couldn't be more helpful, and I wish you luck with your lunatics wrestlers.

Sincerely,

Amy Dumas 

The young man leaned back in his chair and wondered, "What now?"

****

Afterwards

The Rock remained the People's Champion, winning the hearts of his fans with his suggestions of people shining various objects and shoving them up their asses. That was until that fateful day when he accidentally choked to death on a slice of Putang Pie. We'll miss you, Rocky...

Triple H continued to take steroids until he grew double D-breasts. He then became a drag queen and is now doing porno flicks with his new lover, Ken Shamrock. Good luck, Hunter!

Undertaker got a new job in Disney World as Goofy, until one day when he sacrificed a small child when the child said, "I didn't know Goofy has a beer belly!"

Kane became a massage therapist. By the way, if you ever go to him for a massage, and you hear your bones cracking, that's not a good sign.

Tazz decided to follow his dream of becoming a ballerina.

The End


End file.
